Growing up, a relationship with Jesus used to look like something others could experience but not me. I was lukewarm for most of my childhood, going to church every Sunday, attending devotion everyday and reading Bible stories because I liked them. In high school, I recall envying a friend of mine who would talk about Jesus as her friend and not just a figure she knew from the Bible.
I said to myself that I would not have a relationship with Him until I finished uni. My reason was that I wanted to enjoy myself and sin without feeling guilty. Funny how limited my outlook was because the Jesus I know has never been against me enjoying myself. In this story, I will be taking you on a journey through the growth that led me to unhide my faith and love for Jesus.
The Beginning: The Versions of Myself I Felt I Had to Be
I mentioned earlier that I said I’d know Jesus after enjoying myself, yes? In high school there was a drama where the actors were all in uni going to parties and basically “having fun”. The believers in most scenes were portrayed as studious and so into Jesus that succumbing to peer pressure was reserved for the few who eventually turned wayward. As you might imagine, the wayward ones met sad endings when life caught up and there was a lof regret and “oh had I known”…
I carried this view into university. I believed that loving Jesus was going to equal a boring life and so I sort of went on as before. The irony oof this is that I did not even live a wild life, I did not have the “fun”, infact, I avoided it. Introverted, I was in a healthy relationship for the most part and that was enough. The comfort of being lukewarm was safe enough for me and so I languished in it, until I didn’t.
The Change: The Slow Work of Conviction and Courage
My encounter or longing with Jesus had never exactly died. It simply was on the back burner. The stir came during covid after a rough year in my life when I lost the dearest person to me. Angry at God, I had stopped going to church altogether and I did not want to have anything to do with Him. This person He took from me had loved Him and yet (Maybe that’s why He took him?). I still envied how those around me could run to God for comfort cause I couldn’t.
A friend of mine introduced me to YouVersion and sent me a few songs by Maverick City Music. That was when my slow change began. I listened to the music grudgingly and I looked up a lot of plans about grief. Seeing that God understood the phases I was in broke me up a little. I cried more and allowed Him hug me, peace had seemed restored. I was not 100% restored but I had begun a journey, I knew Jesus, a little.
Over the years, I lost a few more things I had been holding onto for comfort. My relationship that I had begun to idolize (or had always) and a very close friend who saw me through the worst of my first grief. The lessons I have learnt over the years are what helped my faith stay. I knew I had grown when these event’s brought me closer to Jesus. I didn’t run away this time, I trusted Him through all my losses and little hurts.
The Interlude: The Pruning and Shedding of Old Garments
During and after what I term the major events, I developed habits that whetted my appetite for Jesus. There were erroneous beliefs I had to unbelieve and activities I gave up like reading smut, using cuss words and listening to vulgar music. These are major things the Holy Spirit knocks my head for when I do but there are also minor things as well. My discernment has become better although there are still things I struggle with.
I used to think I was the type of woman who was unproblematic and “perfect”. Infact, I believed there was nothing to work on because I was good and kind and very nice. I always say that my journey with Jesus really shows how imperfect I am. It is this imperfection that leads to the realization of how much I do need Jesus. Getting to know Him made me realize there wereso many behaviours I needed to let go of, like judging people for things I do too. Life with Him is so much better than life with just me. I do get overwhelmed from time to time and I might drift away but I always come back. I hope to always come back.
The Now: What It Looks Like to Show My Faith Authentically
I went from believing religion was a metric for righteousness to knowing that Jesus is. How beautiful are the feet of they that carry the gospel. When I was still new in my walk, my imperfections made me want to hide. This was because I saw and still see myself as a reflection of Christ. I wanted to be perfect before proclaiming His word. How would I claim to love Him when I do the
Studying the word opened my eyes to see a lot of things. Most of the people God used in the Bible have one flaw or the other, who am i to be different? This was like a breath of fresh air and now I don’t mind sharing my story real as it is for others to take from it. Although imperfect, I can see some prts of my story that God is writing. I see it when I write and in my habits and how I love others.
Coming out of my shell led me to people and communities that enrich me. The fear of being wrong was another thing holding me back but I am aware now that God is able to redirect me when I am wrong. A few things I gained after shedding the weight are;
- Peace from sharing my story as raw as it is to people who need it without needing to be perfect.
- Spiritual growth that keeps me rooted in Christ by constant communion and fellowship.
- A deeper connection with my friends and people who see having a relationship with Jesus as more important than religious practices.
The Bible verse that keeps me grounded is this:
“You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.” —Matthew 5:14-16 NKJV
Lessons I’m Still Learning
Of course my walk with God is still in progress. It’s a journey that I am going to be on until my time on earth passes by. I’m a human being with a lot of weaknesses I have to trust God to give me strength to navigate. I still struggle with fear and doubt. I’m still learning to see myself through the eyes of a God who loves and values me. I’m still learning to trust and obey to show that I love Him. I’m still learning to love and forgive others, the way He does to me. These aren’t things that drop because I say I love Jesus, transformation is a constant process.
My faith is not a brand I’m walking around with until it goes out of style. This relationship is as real as it gets for me. Knowing and discovering who Jesus is has led me to the conclusion that a life without Him in it is not worth chasing for me. My pride and stubbornness might rear itks head from time to time but a friend once told me that God still uses our flaws for His purposes. How beautiful is that.
Conclusion
The ways of the world around often clash with the things I believe in, I’m learning to lean on God and not compromise. The benefit of being surrounded by people whose values align with mine makes it easier to breathe and be. Not everyone is accommodating and they see being gentle or showing love as a sign of weakness. I’m not hiding anymore and it really is freeing to walk with God.
How did I ever believe knowing a God who created so much beauty for me to enjoy would be against fun?
Do you subscribe to this thought? Let me know in the comments, so we can chat about it.
