*Insert personal short scene for first paragraph.
Most of us want people to see things from our perspective, to validate our feelings, and to acknowledge our experiences. According to Dr. Marjorie Schuman, understanding is a basic element of intimate connection that allows us to feel emotionally safe. This desire is so strong that when we feel accurately understood, we can trust and feel close to others.
In this article, we shall be talking about the various elements that cover being misunderstood and ways you can learn to deal with it.
The Need to Be Understood
Everyone wants to feel understood, it’s a fundamental human experience. This craving often stems from the parts within us that want to feel emotional safety. You want your parents to understand your feelings, you want friends to see that movie the way you do; maybe then, they would see “you” clearer and “get” you more.
The frustration and accompanying feelings of being misunderstood can be overwhelming. It is a normal response for you to avoid these feelings and so constantly seeking validation from those around is the next stop. You begin to please people to gain approval and avoid rejection.
Even though most women dislike the label of people pleaser, we are most likely to admit to being people pleasers. There are numerous reasons why we get caught in this people pleasing cycle. you don’t want to ruffle feathers or step on toes so you over explain and over compensate to soothe the other party at your expense.
The Cost of Over Explaining
Now that you understand the reason you crave being understood, let’s talk about what it costs you. The truth is that, gaining the approval of everyone is impossible. Trying would only overwhelm and eventually burn you out.
According to Dr. Nicole Lepera, “Over-explaining is a habit response where we attempt to rid ourselves of guilt or anxiety by providing a ‘right’ answer to someone.” She went on to explain that it is the root of the people pleasing pattern. To avoid upsetting and letting people down, you give them a reason for your actions.
In the process of over explaining, you lose your voice and are caught in a cycle of seeking approval. With time, this erodes and kills your confidence.
The Freedom in Letting Go
Changing your mindset is one of the first steps to take towards letting go of the need to be understood. There are a lot of things in life we can’t control. How people around you see you is one of those things so it’s important to realize and understand that.
I used to be a chronic people pleaser until a few years back. A friend and I had a fallout and I knew the backlash was going to be huge. Of course, I had my reasons but realization hit that there was no way I could convey that to everyone who was going to hear the news. I had two options, rent a loudspeaker to announce my reason or let whoever heard come up with theirs. I chose the latter and the rest is history.
That incident sort of opened my eyes to the fact that I don’t owe everyone an explanation. The freedom that gave me was massive because I realized then that random people didn’t walk up to me to defend their every action. They owed me no explanations and vice versa. Imagine how chaotic the world would be if everyone around came to tell you the reason why they did what they did? Crazy, right. People understanding you is in no way a proof of your worth.
Steps to Take Towards Coming to Terms
Now, coming to terms isn’t something that just happens because a voice inside tells you to. It does take time and effort to unlearn a habit you have practiced for a long time. Here are a few practical steps to help you out;
- Practice saying “No” to your reflection in the mirror with no explanation.
- Remind yourself that disapproval is okay with post-it notes and affirmations.
- Understand that not everyone needs access to your reasons so keep your replies short.
- Be kind but firm when you make a decision and stick to it.
- Surround yourself with people who understand when you do say “No”.
For certain situations or relationships, you owe an explanation but most of the time, there’s no need.
Gentle Reminders for the Misunderstood Girl
Remember that evolving is not always an easy process. You and the people around you might not always adjust easily. It is important to give yourself grace, so here are five reminders to guide you through:
- You aren’t responsible for stories people tell themselves.
- Misunderstandings don’t always mean you are wrong.
- Someone’s approval does not define your worth.
- You saying “No” with no explanation is enough.
- There’s no point arguing with anyone committed to misunderstanding you.
Conclusion
Growth is not always a linear process and getting comfortable with being misunderstood is more than just saying “No.” Remember to be kind to yourself when you’re falling into old patterns. Be patient and do not forget that, understanding begets understanding.
Do you struggle with being misunderstood? Please leave a comment and let me know how you deal when this happens.
