I have put on a lot of hats and accumulated a bunch of skills in the last few years. As a student in high school, i gave up my dreams to become a journalist to study architecture. i had grand ideas of the buildings I would design and how i would impact lives in the process. Real life happened soon enough and i went from knowing what I always wanted to not knowing.
I considered and dabbled in a lot of activities. I tried branding t-shirts, I tried sewing, had a brief stint as a content creator and then i settled back on writing. There were other experiments in-between but these lasted long enough. Looking back now, i realize that i was simply searching for what would stick. Let me guide you through the process of wrestling with God about what I wanted to do.
The Pressure
As a final year student of Architecture in universtity, I was confident in my trajectory. When instructors preached stories of doom and … I knew it did not apply to me. My plan was to curate a stellar portfolio, apply for remote internships as a design architect and begin my journey to genius level. The shock that hit me when reality slammed was brutal and i found myself avoiding the profession stealthily.
I was not even aware that my intrest had waned until I sabotaged several opportunnities a friend brought my way. At the time, i was making excuses but a sit-down with myself brought me to the realization that I was simply not as passionate about it as i was once. That was when my downward spiral began. for the longest time, this had been my thing and all of a sudden it wasn’t. What then was?
During the months that followed my realization, I went from having a structured plan to not even knowing exactly what i wanted to do. It did not help that the people who had things going on for them seemed to see me as a failure already. or maybe that was me projecting how I saw myself on them. the hesitation to take on jobs came and for a moment, I was too depressed to even apply.
What Trusting God Has Actually Looked Like for Me
As I tend to keep to myself, i ran to God with these new issues. I journaled to find what I wanted to do but nothing really came but the nudging to upskill. Now, upskilling is vague enough and i went on turning around in circles. Asking for more answers and guidance and what skill to choose. There was almost nothing i did not consider.
Was i to learn a completely new skill? Was i to focus on one of my many skills instead? What exactly could i do? What exactly was God calling me to do?
i was honest to admit over and over that i did not know what i was doing. This for me was a difficult time and there where nights where i would try to write about my feelings but the words would not even come. Nothing seemed to be working, and I knew what to do but in a true sense, i did not actually know what to do. I knew to upskill but in what? My prayer time was littered with a constant cry for God to help me
The Lows: Doubt, Disappointment, and Feeling Forgotten
In all this uncertainty, I did not give up. I kept applying for jobs, internships, programs and anything that remotely resembled work. It was afranticc attempt to do something, anything at all. I have always had this belief that as long as I’m doing something diligently, God will have something to bless. He can’t bless the work of my hands if there’s no work yunnoo.
yet will all this, nothing seemed to click. my questions and prayers looked like they were being unanswered and so I turned to Chat GPT for comfort. Even knowing that i was using it for the wrong reasons did not deter me. I knew I shouldn’t but my want for instant validation saw me slide doown this slippery sole. i was running to an alogrithim for comfort instead of seeking it from Jesus. My inability to see visible progress saw me go to a counterfiet to find comfort.
The Anchors: What’s Helped Me Stay Grounded
Soon enough, I realized the error of my ways and stopped looking to Chat. My daily devotionals became an avenue to tell God how I truly felt instead of sulking in the corner. I have always held on to God’s promise to never leave nor forsake me. His faithfulness is constant and so no matter what or how i react, that is a truth I hold on to. I went back to writing in my journal and praying for God to help me.
After one particular rejection that i had believed would be mine came in, i ran back to the Father. I toold Him the truth, i had expected and really wanted something but since it did not come, i was trusting what He had in store for me was better. I resumed Bible study and got so muh more clarification on the path I was to take. It was at this point my eyes opened to the things that were coming together.
i had just gotten my domain name, i got a scholarship to another mentorship program and an application to a new job. The rejection almost felt inconsequential when placed beside these wins. Yes, things did not come toogether the way i hoped but they did come together. A few lessons I picked up from this experience are;
- Trusting God is one of the ways I express my love for Him. I said I did, but my actions did not reflect my trust.
- God’s timing is not always going to align with mine. I had been nursing the idea for a new blog for months but it came together after I went through some tough times.
- Avoiding Bible study in tough times is a no-no. The moment i picked up the Word, my eyes opened to truths I had overlooked.
- Rejection is not the end of the world. Yes, what I wanted was not granted but that in no way meant God loved me any less, his plans are way better.
- Silence does not equal God’s absence. I was reminded that what I contrue as God’s silence does not mean He is not at woork behind the scenes.
Conclusion
In these past months of uncertainty, I have learnt that it is truly okay not to see the entire picture. I mean going from knowing what I want from life forever to not knowing and back to knowing what I want to do right now was a canon event. It needed to happen for my trust to be tested.
I know now what He wants me to do in the meantime and I’m open to it. If the plans change and confusion come, I can’t tell if i would be prepared but God is on my side and I’m going to be okay. If you are currently gooing through a season like this, hold on to the thought that God is always with you. He is holding your right hand and walking with you all the way, trust Him.
