In the past, I was never okay with being misunderstood. Giving excuses for my behaviour was second nature to me. If I was ever accused of anything at all, best believe I had my reasons lined up. This came as a result of constantly justifying actions in my head.
For the longest time, I wanted people around me to see things from my perspective. If you saw things my way, you’d know I’m never the bad guy. It was important to never be the bad guy. This changed when I realized that in life, not everyone would like me.
My realization led me to shed the weight of needing to be well-liked. In this article, I will be addressing ways you can learn to deal with being misunderstood.
Why Do We Want to Be Understood?
The truth is, a lot of us are seeking the approval of those closest to us on some level or another. You want people to see things from your perspective and acknowledge your experiences. This feeling often stems from the parts within us that want to feel emotional safety.
After graduating from high school, I started hearing stories that shocked me. That experience left a mark, and by the time I entered university, I felt a deep need to take control of how others saw me. I became defensive, with a ready response for every question.
The frustration and accompanying feelings of being misunderstood can be overwhelming. To avoid these feelings, you start to seek validation and avoid rejection. This often leads to people pleasing and over-explaining to gain approval.
What Does Over Explaining Cost Us?
The truth is that, gaining the approval of everyone is impossible. Trying would only overwhelm and burn you out. Over-explaining involves offering too much information that people cannot adequately process or assimilate.
According to Dr. Nicole Lepera, “Over-explaining is a habit response where we attempt to rid ourselves of guilt or anxiety by providing a ‘right’ answer to someone.” She went on to explain that it is the root of people pleasing. To avoid letting people down, you give them a reason for your actions.
When you over explain, you lose your voice and get caught up in a cycle of seeking approval. However, while we cling to the idea that we don’t owe anyone an explanation, there are still situations when explaining is the right choice for us.
The Freedom in Letting Go
Changing your mindset is one of the first steps to take towards letting go of the need to always be understood. There are a lot of things in life we can’t control. How people see you is one of those things, so it’s important to recognize and understand that.
I used to be a chronic people pleaser until a few years back. A friend and I had a fallout and I knew the backlash was going to be huge. Of course, I had my reasons but realization hit that I could not explain that to everyone.
That incident sort of opened my eyes to the fact that I don’t owe most people an explanation. This was freeing. Random people don’t walk up to me to defend all their actions. They owed me nothing and vice versa.
See also: Ways I’m Learning to Rest Without Guilt
Steps to Take Towards Learning to Be Misunderstood
Imagine how chaotic life would be if everyone had to explain the reason behind their actions. My takeaway is simple, people understanding you is in no way a proof of your worth.
Now, coming to terms isn’t something that happens because a voice tells you to. It takes time and effort to unlearn a habit you have practiced for a long time. Here are a few steps to help you become more comfortable with being misunderstood.
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Practice saying “No” to your reflection in the mirror with no explanation.
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Remind yourself that disapproval is okay with post-it notes and affirmations.
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Understand that not everyone needs access to your reasons, so keep your replies short.
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Be kind but firm when you make a decision, and stick to it.
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Surround yourself with people who understand when you do say “No”.
Remember that evolving is not always an easy process. You and the people around you might not always adjust with ease. It is important to give yourself grace, and below are three reminders to guide you through.
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You are not responsible for stories people tell themselves.
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A person’s approval does not define your worth.
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You saying “No” with no explanation is enough.
Conclusion
From my experience, growth isn’t always a linear process. Getting comfortable with being misunderstood is more than saying “No.” When you find yourself falling into old patterns, be kind. Be patient and never forget that, “…understanding begets compassion.”
Do you struggle with being misunderstood? Please leave a comment to let me know how you deal when this happens.
